On The Lighter Side

Groucho Marx Stand Up JokesGroucho Marx

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels

Age is not a particularly interesting subject Anyone can get old All you have to do is live long enough

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Blood’s not thicker than money I was married by a judge I should have asked for a jury

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read

Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter Someday I intend reading it

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you He really is an idiot

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends.may they never meet!

How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints They’re upstairs in my socks

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years agoI shot my broker I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along

I must say that I find television very educational The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member

I wish to be cremated One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty

I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn’t it Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you

Gravity Defying Tequila

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”


On the Lighter Side!

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he’s stopped by a police officer.

Officer: “Good evening sir. We’re testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?”

Man: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air.”

Officer: “Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.”

Man: “I can’t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death.”

Officer: “Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line.”

Man: “Can’t do that either.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Man: “Because I’m dead drunk.”